Breaking Free: The Karmic Irony Edition
Somewhere out there, Alanis Morrisette’s lawyer is counting the number of times today I have muttered something along the lines of, isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
Somewhat akin to rain on your wedding day, or maybe finding a dozen forks when all you need is a knife, on the eve of being filmed for a series about people who have broken free from the metaphorical shackles of a conventional 9-5 cubicle job to live a life of international freedom, I was laid off. From my international, non-cubicle job. The one that lets me travel, paid, 18 weeks of the year.
I’m trying to figure out if I have now broken free from having broken free.
As many of you already know from my endless rants here, I’m a bit uncertain about Shanghai and I was quite uncertain about my job- it gave me a ton of autonomy, a lot of free time and a lot of almost painful solitude and loneliness and frustration. I was feeling pretty burnt out from teaching and annoyed that I was too tired to be creative a lot of the time.
So from that perspective, the up-coming lay-off is a good thing. I still have a part time freelance examining job that I could do to pay the bills, picking and choosing when to work and how much to work. And I could write! For money, even! I could play my banjo! I could study Chinese again! I could pack up and travel whenever I wanted!
Awesomeness, yeah?
Yeah. No. Because I still live in China, and to live here you need a visa. A work visa. And it can get complicated.
The Chinese university I work for suddenly decided to cancel their contract with the Australian uni that they have (had?) a joint venture with, a week after I signed my contract with them for another year. Low enrolment, they explained.
All my work papers are somewhere in bureaucratic stasis in my university’s foreign affairs office. I have no idea what’s going on with them. They were in the middle of being processed for a renewal that can’t happen now.
Even if I had a back-up job to go to, it’s not so simple to just change jobs here. You aren’t in your home country. There are legal things to take care of. Visas must be transferred from one eligible employer to the next (and not all employers can legally employ a foreigner), Foreign Expert Certificates must be rearranged, release letters must be drafted (complicated by the fact that I’m still working here until mid-June so my school can’t release me until it’s too late, as I’m going home to Canada this summer, then to Sri Lanka) and so much more.
The idea of breaking free and running off to faraway places sounds marvellous when dreamed about from the comforts of a dull cubicle. At least, I guess it does, as I’ve never really had a cubicle job. I imagine that all that padded beige would get to me after a while.
But I have been breaking free at regular intervals for the past decade and a half, shifting gears whenever I felt a change was necessary, changing countries and careers at the drop of a hat. And you know what? It’s hard. It’s complicated. It’s exhausting. And it’s frequently in a language you can’t understand with rules you’ve never even fathomed.
There are three possible outcomes for my current situation.
- No one in the Foreign Affairs Office at work realizes/cares that I’ve been laid off and my work permit gets renewed even without the job (Hey, I signed the contract! In triplicate! In both languages!), allowing me to legally be here without actually having to work a conventional job.
- The work visa doesn’t get processed and I have to come back as on a tourist visa that we somehow procure whilst in Sri Lanka. I wouldn’t be able to work. But I could write and travel to my heart’s content. I have savings. That’s not an issue.
- The tourist visa attempt falls through in Sri Lanka for some unfathomable reason (and I’ve learned over the years that unfathomable reasons outnumber fathomable ones) and I apply for a student visa somehow, somewhere, and just chill out studying Mandarin for a few months.
Why am I staying, in spite of all the crap I’ll have to deal with, all the uncertainty?
We have a nice home here. Doug has a good job and he has big goals that he’s saving for. I have a handful of good friends who have offered great support (mentally, emotionally, physically) in the aftermath of this bombshell. I need time to stop and think about what I really want to do next, rather than just dropping everything and starting all over again, as I have so many times in the past.
I know that the trend these days is to sell all your things to travel the world and I think that’s awesome– but I’ve been doing that since I was 19. I’ve been giving all my stuff away and leaving every year or two. It’s a bit traumatic when you lose everything for the tenth time in ten years. Right now, I’m really enjoying having a crock pot and a wardrobe full of clothes and my own bed. I’d love to have a cat again.
I’m working on fine-tuning my version of breaking free. It’s a process rather than a moment.
Side note: About half an hour before I got the news that my job was disappearing yesterday, I also got the news that a great friend and great teacher that I knew in Istanbul had passed away after a long battle with cancer. He was a long time traveller and a kind soul. Kind thoughts heading your way, Damian.
ETA A friend from Istanbul wrote this lovely post about Damian. I wanted to add this here.
Wow, all of this uncertainty. I have a feeling that it will all work out for you…but you’re right, it is going to be a process. The situation can also be a mixture of more complicated/easier when you have a significant other thrown into the mix. I hope that it will all pull through for you, sending the best of luck your way!
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Things will work out in the end. That’s one thing I’ve learned over the years. They may not work out at all how I’d planned but stuff happens and life goes on. If it wasn’t for Doug, I’d probably have packed my bags immediately and run off to Uruguay or something– and I’m not sure that would have been the right reaction (I’m the Queen of Knee-Jerk Reactions…). I like his advice: maybe this is the universe’s way of pointing you in the right direction. Maybe you just weren’t meant to be in that job that didn’t make you happy anyway.
Thanks for the gift of luck- I’ll need it!
Allow me to return an old favour…
May I buy you a drank?
Aw, yeah, thank you, kind sir. Appreciated.
Totally off-topic, but I remember a comedian – some Australian, don’t remember who – going on a tirade about how nothing in the Alanis Morisette was actually ironic. For example: being stuck in traffic is only ironic if you’re on your way to a town planners convention. He went on to suggest that the word ‘Alanic’ be coined to refer to any situation that is just plain shitty. Like rain on your wedding day.
Anyway, best of luck figuring all this out. Strange how some people have to break free and some people just keeping ending up free, one way or another. Really hope it all starts to make sense soon. Sorry I have nothing more to offer than second-hand humour…
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Aye, I always found her version of irony marvellously unironic (speaking as a former English major) but it does come in handy in situations like these where no other words quite fit. Somehow poorly used irony sounds better than just plain ‘isn’t it shitty? doncha think?’ I may start using the term ‘Alanic’ though.
I like your idea that some people have to break free and some just keep ending up free– I’ve never felt trapped by my situations but I’ve felt lost and unsettled and often craved the comforting confines of a more stable life. Isn’t it Alanic? Doncha think?
Oh wow. At least you know you want to stay in China, and that’s pretty big, right?
I wish we lived in the same city…it sounds like brunch and some beers are in order here.
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Actually, I don’t really *want* to stay in China but it’s the best choice for now, I think. There are too many ties here that oughtn’t be severed hastily.
I wish we were in the same city too! I’m meeting UnbraveGirl and Fiona (from my interview series) later today for drinks and you really ought to join us!
Oh crikey. This does rather seem like the Universe telling you something. The obvious thing that it seems to be saying is that it’s time for you to up sticks and disappear from China – but then again, the obvious isn’t always the best answer …
Getting a cat and writing sound like unbelievably awesome ideals to me. Would moving out of Shanghai to somewhere less grey and smoggy be an option or does Doug need to stay in the city? Would living in the Chinese countryside be any better than the Chinese city? Why am I asking so many questions?!
As some wise person said above, things usually work out somehow. Keeping fingers crossed that it’s not too stressful in the meantime for you.
(ps – I know I’ve been a bad interviewee. I’m working on it. Or, rather, I keep thinking about starting on it and then getting distracted by work. Stupid work. Let me know if at any point you get bored of waiting and want to do something different.)
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Alas moving out of Shanghai isn’t really an option as we’re here because Doug has a 3 year contract with a good school that is, well, here. It would make no sense to move elsewhere in China- I mean, hell, I’d just rather move OUT of China. That will be next. The idea right now is that we’ll use the next year to think about what to do next. Maybe I’ll dislike this city less if I’m not so tired and lonely.
Oh, and for the interview— do it when you’re ready. A forced interview is no fun and probably wouldn’t be as cathartic as I’ve heard others have been. Maybe I should interview myself 🙂
The universe, Karma, as you put it, can throw us for a loop. Here I thought I would be prancing around India inspiring people to love it. Instead, I keep writing posts about bleeding or oozing from the arm.
That’s wonderful to have found good friends and I think your hubby might be right. It sounds like the job wasn’t pumping you up and a small break before deciding what to do might be in order.
I’m personally burnt out & look forward to working on things I love doing. Some pure creative writing comes to mind. Not that blogging sucks, but it’s only a small part of me.
Sooo.. that job you hated was the same.
You’re a strong cookie, probably a tasty one too, so kick UnbraveGirl in the ankle for me and have a few strong drinks.
To new beginnings!
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I started this blog originally to write about the interesting things I saw in Shanghai and I ended up railing against it (or rather, against the grim aspects of it and my ensuing moodiness). The job wasn’t (or rather, isn’t– as I’m still doing it til mid-june) mentally healthy for me so it’s not all bad, I suppose. I just feel constantly thrown by events here. I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Am trying to figure out what to do next, how to make it a step forward rather than to the side or backward. I imagine it will involve more gin with UnbraveGirl.
Well, as you know, you could always get a job in Wuxi! Hector would love the lake! And it would be ever so nice to have somebody around to have post-class gin & tonics with. 🙂
Oh, I know! I think Doug would be annoyed that I left him with the full rent to pay on a pricey flat and no one to eat dinner with. If I stay partially unemployed I’ll come hang out and drink gin with you and Hector.
Yikes! Well, I certainly know about uncertainty but I’ve also come to learn that you and life will be able to work your way around this. Until you know the fate of your visa status, why not just enjoy the few days off and sleep in, read books, study Mandarin…whatever your heart desires. When the visa status is known, then you can start moving forward from that point. Good luck!
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Things do tend to work out in the end, that’s true. The universe has a way of resolving things on its own. I do wish, in a way, that the lay-off was effective immediately but I still have about 6 more weeks of classes before the program shuts down– leaving neither time for job interviews nor time for a new job to take over my visa, should I even get an interview. I’d love to be able to enjoy some quiet time in limbo but it’s hectic marking time… argh! But it will work out!
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Don’t panic about the visa, I know people who’ve never had a work visa yet have lived and worked here for a number of years, there’s always a way!
Am not panicking, remarkably enough. I spent 2 of my 6 years in Turkey coasting under the radar. I just haven’t quite got China sussed yet, whim-wise. Being functionally illiterate here makes it a bit tough to read the fine print in the threatening letters from the PSB. Am hoping to be given the cushiest route so I can avid visa runs or exile. By the way, I like your blog. Welcome to mine. *shake hands*
Well, they send people round to knock on doors every six months or so to find out who’s living where. So you’d better make sure you have an appropriate visa when they come knocking, or live with someone who does have one and don’t actually “live there” yourself.
Visa runs definitely aren’t needed, you just need to find “a guy”.
Christ, I don’t half overdo the “”
Sorry
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Oh, I know- and the whole registration with the police thing would just get awkward on a not-right visa. I’ve lived here (and other, similar countries) long enough to know I don’t want to mess around in case of spot checks and whatnot. So far it looks like the work visa is going through so crossing my fingers. Worst comes to worst, well, I live with someone who is gainfully and legally employed so that should cover at least part of my ass.
p.s. I like your blog too!
Dingle you need to join us too when we have another round of industrial strength gin and tonics. maryanne, what did you say to that unsuspecting waitress? ‘Oh, actually a G&T is traditionally made with 98% gin and 2% tonic, you know, where I come from….’
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Well, I’m not a big fan of gin unless it’s also mixed with tequila, rum, vodka, sours and a dash of coca cola to be honest, but I’m sure I could make an exception!
Just spent a splendid evening at Downstairs@Urbn drinking whisky sours, that’s all I’m going to drink in the future, that and Zombies from Constellation.
Well, at least until I sober up in the morning..