7 Reasons Why Sri Lanka is More Badass Than You Could Ever Hope to Be

Seriously, listen to the sign!

 

Sri Lanka is kicking our ass.

Yes, this elegant, soft-spoken, fragrant and verdant island is far tougher than it appears on the surface (and I’m not even going to go into the whole civil war thing here).

How do I know for sure that Sri Lanka is a true badass disguised in a waft of freshly ground spices and swaying palm tress and really quite lovely and kind people? Well, the first clue was when our diminutive guesthouse manager in Kandy complimented Doug on his prodigeous arm hair. I’m fairly certain that’s something Chuck Norris might do.

Thus, I want to introduce you to the many reasons why I know for a fact that Sri Lanka is more of a badass than any of us could ever hope to be.

Hornet attacks! At the top of a wind swept holy mountain!

 

1. Historically, Sri Lanka (aka Ceylon) seriously whupped some British colonial ass in a big way. The British Garrison Cemetery in Kandy taught me that. One poor fellow in the cemetery, one John Spottiswood Robertson, died from a wild elephant attack (and he wasn’t even the first European to do so- he was the seventh!). Another unfortunate fellow, poor Captain James McGlashan, died slowly and horribly after walking from Trincomalee to Kandy and succumbing to all sorts of fevers (the cemetery paphlet notes that, ‘with reckless disregard of precautions he walked from Trincomalee, drenched with rain, wading, sitting and even sleeping in saturated clothing; not surprisingly he was seized with violent fever and accepted his end with manly fortutude.’) Manly fortitude! Another fellow died from being impaled on a stake after ‘alighting from his horse’. Poor David Findlay’s own house fell on him.

2. Sri Lankans are cartographic ninjas. Think you can read a map? Think that just because you’ve found your way around a million other countries that you can find your way around anywhere with a map? Well, you can’t. Because, as Donovan once said, first there is a mountain and then there isn’t. Or rather, first there is a road and then there isn’t. Or, there wasn’t a road and now there is. Or there was a road but now it goes by a totally different name and is now a cul-de-sac or splits in the middle or suddenly joins up with another road. None of our maps were right. In Anuradhapura, we got lost for over two hours coming back on our bikes from the ancient sacred temples because absolutely nothing (nothing!) was the same as we could see on our Lonely Planet map.

3. And speaking of roads, while many of the main routes are manageable (Colombo to Kandy being quite pleasant and covered in still smooth asphalt), many others are a little less than smooth. The wildly enthusiastic tuktuk drivers happily navigate a mostly potholed road as you hold on for dear life and count your butt bruises in the morning. And it isn’t just bouncy 3-wheeler rides that wreak havoc! When we rented bikes to go around Anuradhapura the other day, I was given an adorable, ancient no-speed town bike best suited to cruising around, say, Amsterdam, rather than the marvellous mix of crumbling asphalt, dusty red dirt, sprays of loose gravel and an awful lot of potholes. I was essentially doing some very intense off road biking on a decidedly on-road bicycle. Also, I should note that the whole pedal of Doug’s bike simply flew off when we were biking back to our guesthouse along a busy road and nobody thought twice. No big deal. They’ve lost pedals before- no sweat! They’re tough! After all, what is the sound of one leg pedalling?

On the subject of pot holes and pavement, I should briefly add that the road to Trincomalee from Anuradhapura is not paved with gold, nor is it paved with pavement, or at least not in any consistent sort of way. It’s a patchwork, shall we say. A melange. A little bit of asphalt here and there, a lot of red dirt, and a fine collection of pot holes of varying depths. Fine, you say. Potholes are manageable. What are you, some kind of soft western wuss? Well, no, but yes, but no, but when the old buses roar forth at great speeds in spite of the potholes, let me tell you, there will be serious bruising and you will, frequently, be lifted about a foot off your seat at regular (yet unexpected!) intervals. My left knee is a testament to this, in all of its purple and yellow glory. The locals on the bus found our bouncing and bruising quite amusing as they stood calmly the whole time, wholly upright in the aisles.

 

On the right, on the other side of the ‘curtain’ is a sheer drop down a cliff face to certain death. Nice murals though. On the cliff face.

 

4. They expect you to climb up windswept holy mountains with a rickety railing at best on a cliff face. On the way down from Sigiriya a few days ago, a guard at the Lion’s Feet near the top laughed at my apprehension after having climbed up steep steps whilst buffeted by gale force winds and said the way down is much more dangerous.

Much, much more dangerous. Chortle.

Above the Lion’s Feet was a rickety metal staircase attached to the rock face, that leads up to an even higher and windier peak. The ancients had built what appear to be swimming pools at the top of enormous rocks at the top of this rather high mountain. While we were trembling with fear and crawling up the stairs, whimpering, the locals were bounding up the stairs with babies and frail grandmothers in arms and practically having a picnic at the top (did I mention the gale force winds?)

 

This would be the ‘being blown off a high, holy mountain’ dance

 

5. Even in spiritual history, they were tough cookies. What I tell you here is what we were told by the guide at the Temple of the Tooth in Kandy so if any of my details are wrong, blame him. I’m pretty sure all the nouns and verbs are correct, even if the rest totally isn’t.

First of all, they got the buddha before the buddha even fully realized he was a buddha. The buddha came to Sri Lanka waaay at the beginning of his bodhisattva status time and when he got here, he found really ugly demons living here (evil and ugly, I think the guide said). When he arrived, his utter loveliness drove those demons away, far away… to Australia. Yep. Bet you didn’t know that Australian Aborigines are actually cast out Sri Lankan demons. Bet they (and their 40,000 years of established history in Australia) didn’t know that either. But still! Anyway, Sri Lanka got the buddha’s tooth after he was cremated, which is apparently very Ark of the Covenantly powerful and wreaks havoc if disturbed or even looked at too hard(ie storms and rain for months, instant death, etc).

Like I said, badass.

 

Using my sacred bedsheet cape to escape danger!

 

6. I am being eaten alive here. My left arm is basically a snack bar for any passing insects, in spite of my best efforts. My left elbow is swollen and hot. My ankles look like I have chicken pox. These bites are more than just an itchy annoyance- on one trek last week, I spontaneously bled exuberantly in my shoes (from the ankle bites) and down my face (I must have had a bite on my upper cheek that I scratched accidentally). I was starting to think I had atypical stigmata. I have yet to see any locals as covered in bites as I am. Like I said, they’re tough. I read somewhere that there are 5 known poisonous snakes here who have thus far not bitten me. We shall see.

7. Folks here (in particular students and religious pilgrims from what I’ve seen) wear brilliant white clothes even in the dust and in the monsoon and they somehow stay white with no sweat stains, no dust nor mud stains and remain perfectly unwrinkled compared to my hideous self. I can’t seem to go a day without getting my clothes caked in mud, soaked in blood or embedded with dirt and dust. Even the little kids look like a laundry detergent ad (the ‘after’ not the ‘before’ part).

 

If I had actually tossed the rock, I’m sure the gale force winds would have sent it sailing back into my face in retribution

 

End note: we are currently resting and recuperating in a semi posh resort in Nilaveli (a negotiated discount so fierce that I will tell my grand children about it someday), a dozen kilometers from the fabled Trincomalee on the mid-upper east coast. This has been a wonderful trip even though it has kicked our asses fiercely (and fiercely enough this time that our current situation was on doctor’s orders). Sri Lankans, I salute you! You win!



61 thoughts on “7 Reasons Why Sri Lanka is More Badass Than You Could Ever Hope to Be”

  • Best country i’ve ever been to, love the post.

    Climbing adams peak, which is over 5000 steps apparently, at 2am is seriously badass too, if not the most exhausting thing i’ve ever done. Apparently the monks do the climb twice a day too.

    • Thanks! We were going to climb Adam’s Peak next week but we had a bit of a setback thanks to the awful, bumpy bus ride. Doug’s doc said no hiking for a few weeks so we need to make new plans. A great country though! I’m really happy here in spite of what we’ve been through.

  • Woah. I’m totally not ready for Sri Lanka. Just your description of the rickety staircase up the mountain made me want to hide in my bed all day.

    • I’m doing just that as we speak! (By the way, remember how I wrote on Twitter about how eating a ton of noodles and having a beer after that day was carb loading? I got a series of very stern tweets in return from some personal trainer/triathlete type scolding me for thinking beer was okay and using 4 whole tweets to carefully explain what carb loading really was. Seriously! Some people just don’t get it!)

    • what the hell? wait let me guess… If u don’t know what natural beauty or the beauty of nature is, maybe you are just a person who likes to stay inside a small apartment, no clean air nor sunlight.. just yourself and your laptop. If that is it, well let me tell u how it feels to be free and independent! because you aren’t ready for any adventure… sorry to say this but u are a kitty ( take it anyway u want )

  • Hello! I’m so happy that I stumbled across your blog. I’m also an expat (living in Mexico) and originally from Vancouver. Though our experiences are totally different I was happy to also find some commonalities. I look forward to delving in a little deeper into your blog and reading about your adventures.
    Take care…

    • Hello to you too! Very happy to welcome you here- I’ll check out your blog as soon as I have reliable internet (which will be in a week or two- Kandy’s net is…iffy). What are you doing in Mexico? I was there 3 years ago at the start of my 2 month wander down to Costa Rica. Would love to move there some day.

  • Wow! The sidewalks and roads sound like Myanmar, no?

    Also, in Thailand, nobody can read maps. Nobody. If you don’t know where you’re going, a map does NOT help you at all with the cab drivers. It’s a pain.

    • Indeed, we thought Colombo reminded us a lot of yangon (except not as intriguing0. equally lethal sidewalks though!

  • Yes.. Ours is a country which was ruined and molested for centuries by people like you. If you can’t visit then go fuck yourselves !!!

    • Like me? Sorry? Not sure what I said that was so offensive, nor do I think I was offensive. I like Sri Lanka and what I wrote was deeply respectful toward the people and everything they’ve endured. I know the history and I don’t travel superficially.

      • There have been bad times. But we are not the kind of people to keep on hating.

        Enjoy Sri Lanka! Stay away from trolls, anywhere 🙂

      • Dude, I’m Canadian. Irish-French Canadian. We had nothing to do with you guys, colonially- not that it should matter right now, if we are visiting with respect and admiration. My post was 100% admiring. Didn’t that come across? Sri Lankans are awesome. Don’t tell me I’m horrible for saying I really admire you guys.

    • You guys are seriously Badass in a way that Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris combined could never hope to be– and mixed with a brilliant, lovely and kind earnestness that has been turned into jaded irony in too much of the world. Yay Sri Lanka!

      • We went through the same back-of-the-bus experience on the way to Jaffna. It didn’t take us long to figure out why everyone was avoiding the seat at the rear of the bus.

        I hope Lee isn’t rolling in his grave at that, but thanks! 😀

        • I originally enjoyed that back seat of the bus on our first two big bus rides- but they were on good, well paved roads and the leg room and ventilation were appreciated. On the second half of the road to Trinco… Well, not so much! That is a very rough road! We flew out of our seats with every pot hole!

  • I think you are more pessimistic about our country. you points out some dark points and try to
    show as huge ones while forgetting mostly the beauty. Almost every place in the world has some dark/ dirty.

    Anyway i want comment on the visits of Lord Buddha. He had visited here 3 times after he attained the
    state of Buddha. Not before. He had conquered the demons (undeveloped, cruel person), not showed them off to another land. Your guide might lack the knowledge of history.

    Good Luck.

    • I dont feel dark or pessimistic about Sri Lanka at all. In fact, I am quite impressed by the strength and resilience of the people here in spite of all the difficult and often devastating things that have happened. The title of this post and the supporting points were written to show this admiration. Also, I do know the true Buddha story- I just thought the guide’s story was funny (and wrong).

  • I wouldn’t have believed anything in this post if I read it last week! I was at Anuradhpura on the 6th and 7th, went there like after 7 years. The things I noticed the most were the meaninglessness of the street signs and directions! And I think I saw a dozen or so foreigners on bikes… not sure whether they got where they wanted to go… 😉

    • The street signs were so confusing! We mostly ended up asking a lot of people for directions, which helped, but we really took the long way back! I enjoyed the adventure though- we certainly saw a lot of Anuradhapura by getting lost!

  • I loved this. This is brilliant. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone translate the things we in SL take in our strides into badassery and challenging/amusing quirks like you have. Kudos, thank you 🙂 I hope we’ve been treating you well and that you do come again. If you do, do hit up the VERY active twitter community in SL. We’d be glad to help you out with navigation at least 😀

    • Sri Lankans have treated us much better than the roads have! Seriously, we were saying earlier today that this has been the most genuinely kind, generous and lovely spirited place we’ve been— and we travel a lot!

  • OMG this post is Wodehouse-worthy. hilarious 😀 Love it! Hope you enjoy the rest of your trip in lovely lanka 😀 <3

    ps – the australia thing is utter tosh btw. hahah 😀

  • Excellent post, a very amusing read.

    The country has its negatives as well as its positives for travelers, hope you enjoy the rest of your stay here.

  • You are a complete riot and a wonderful writer! I laughed so hard reading this! And you are so right, although I’ve never considered my countrymen in quite that light.

    OMG I so agree with you on Sigiriya! At the time I thought it was just me being a wuss with my terrible fear of heights, but there were all these rickety steep stairs that looked like death traps packed with people and people would STILL shove you from behind as they clambered up like monkeys. I was so terrified my aunt had to practically half carry me to the top. And then there was this bent old ninety-something Japanese granny who determinedly trekked all the way up past us. Alone. Leaning on a cane. Now THAT is badass.

    Also, you left out the part where you can’t wear shoes or hats when you’re visiting ruins in Anuradhapura, Polllonnaruwa and (Oh God) Katharagama, because it’s disrespectful to wear shoes on holy ground. So you have to trek miles barefoot and bare-headed over the red hot sand in the blistering heat. In truth, our cultural preference to go barefoot over rock, gravel, sand and mud is the only trait I’ve really considered badass about my country. But I’m glad you found so many others! 😀 Hope you visit again!

    • Did you see my superhero cape in one of the photos? That was from Anuradhapura, before the bodhi tree, when the guard decided that my tunic showed too much upper arm and sent me off to the supply stalls to buy a cover… And what I was given was a torn off strip of bedsheet for 200 rupees. I still have it. It’s an odd souvenir but I’m fond of it. Maybe I can fly now…

  • Brilliant post… and blog! I’m having an awesome time swimming through it! Do have fun travelling and come back soon…

    P.s. there are 7 deadly poisonous snakes in SL waiting to bite you muwahahahah

    • I’m quite certain those 7 deadly snakes will track me down! I’ll definitely be back for further punishment…

  • LOVED this post! We hope you do come back here for more adventures !! thank you for putting it in such a different perspective.. and I’m sure things will be easier the next time around 😉

  • thank you for a “kick ass!” write up . there is no better way to describe us sri lankans. please do excuse the few ppl who lack the sense of humor and their inability to understand the gist of this humorous master piece . hav fun in sri lanka . visit arugum bay if you have not already been there or on your next trip to the Serendib (one of many names of sri lanka ).

  • I didn’t know we were badasses, until I read this post. It made me laugh. We do take some things considered badass for granted 😀

    The story told to you about Lord Buddha is incorrect. But even I can’t remember the proper version.

    And do enjoy your stay here, and don’t negotiate the prices. Let us rip you off 😀 Seriously though enjoy, and visit us again!

  • Yep… Sigirya and adam’s peek without a doubt get your top attention .. But friends… my country has more and more for you to explore… and I’m so glad of your visit here… travel, enjoy and have fun while saving these beautiful places for the generations who are about to come …..
    LOVE THE ARTICLE 😀 😀 😀 😀 …. AND INVITE YOU ALL TO VISIT US AGAIN….. 😀 😀 😀

    • Thanks! We couldn’t do Adam’s Peak because of the injury ( arghhh, buses!) but we did see much more and I think that, for the amount of time we have been here, we’ve seen a lot! I wish we could have visited the north and the south east though. There are still so many things to see.

  • O M G!!!!!!!! this is totally and deliciously FAB!!!!!!!!!! U totally inspired me in to visiting these places which I still haven’t even though I’m a Sri Lankan (shame on me :/) but I did go to Sigiriya on a school trip once, climbing those steps in my school uniform (which was a frock) was seriously bad ass because the wind was soooooooooooooo soooooooooooo sooooooooo strong! oh and I do beg ur pardon on behalf of erm…… certain people because like it was mentioned somewhere before their lack of a sense of humour is ghastly! Our buses are utter death traps but hey we do live bad ass lives over here 😀 😀 😀 Hope Doug is doing fine now.. I do hope u would enjoy the rest of ur stay here.. BIG HUG!!!!!!!!!!

    • Aw, thanks! You guys have an awesome country with so much to see. We had 4 weeks and it wasn’t enough time to see everything we wanted to see. Doug’s doing much better now- would you believe those pot holes were so deep and the bus so fast that he got thrown into the aisle and double fractured his spine! It was very scary, especially as the bus driver refused to stop or even slow down. Luckily we got help in Trinco and took a week to rest there then went a lot more carefully for the rest of the trip! We loved it, in spite of what happened. Would love to go back anytime!

  • haha its now i came across this post and had a good laugh towards the end of the day thanks to you 😀 btw going through all the rasons you had mentioned above, i could nto help wondering whether you had any experience with local liquors like arrack. because usually foreigners usually tell us very entertaining stories about it 😉

    glad you guys enjoyed the stay here.. and come down again for some bad ass fun later..
    cheers!!

    • Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed reading it! We had a fantastic time in your country and would love to go back for more. Unfortunately, we don’t have any entertaining aarack stories to tell as we aren’t big drinkers. We tried it though- it was strong! I’m sure some of that could inspire some seriously bad ass adventures…

  • just came across this today…..a long time back story ehh….anyway its inspiring…i am a srilankan and for the first time i climbed Adams peak last weak,actually its 12,500 steps from ratnapura…and still i am having trouble walking….:-D

    • I wanted to climb Adams Peak but couldn’t (long story). 12,500 steps? Wow! I think I may need to go back to SL and try again… Thanks for reading this, btw!

  • Great to see you enjoyed the stay in Sri Lanka. its where I am from, really enjoyed reading your post.
    to be honest even I didn’t know about the Australian thing!!! btw, the roads are much better now, u will not have a bumpy ride.

  • some of the incidents are far exaggerated.Nobody from Sri lanka says that Australian Aborigines were daemons in our country.you can’t write a blob only based on tour guides statement.

    • Sigh- of course they are exaggerated! The whole post was written tongue in cheek. This is what I wrote when I quoted the guide: ‘What I tell you here is what we were told by the guide at the Temple of the Tooth in Kandy so if any of my details are wrong, blame him. I’m pretty sure all the nouns and verbs are correct, even if the rest totally isn’t.

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